Dispelling the Stereotype of the Only Child
For your holiday weekend amusement I will deviate from my normal blog post intended to offer ‘wisdom to help you live your best life’ and instead add levity to your day by shedding a little light on “only children”. Warning: I am hoping to DISPEL THE STEREOTYPE OF THE ONLY CHILD.
As an only child I’m aware of our bad reputation. We are allegedly spoiled, selfish, self-centered and …a few other adjectives that people have pinned on us along the way. OK, I admit it, when people ask me about brothers and sisters I pause and become very aware of their predictable reaction. I also get a tiny knot in the pit of my stomach. Folks give us a “Oh you are one of those” looks. A few have even made comments such as: “that explains a lot”. This only leaves me wanting to secretly scream “TRUST ME, I WASN’T SPOILED AND YES I KNOW HOW TO SHARE!”
While I defensively maintain (in a way only single children can) that ‘only children’ are the same as any other child…. it’s really not true. Being an only child DOES mold your personality, perception and standing in the world. But, now that I’ve been the only child and had a few children of my own … I see that our beliefs of only children may be unfounded. Here’s a few of the stereotypes confirmed and a few busted through. Let’s see what you think.
The Perks of Being the Only One
My sibling-free status did gift me with a few perks. I was able to grow up without “sibling rivalry” and my older brother or sister never bossed me around while baby-sitting. I also became much more independent at an earlier age. Carrying on a conversation with adults was easy and, as a result of being by myself a lot, I learned to love reading and acquired a veracious appetite for books. Even today, it’s nothing for me to read 2-3 books a month. That’s over 30 a year – every year.
Wikipedia is Only Half Right
Wikipedia claims that “only children are sometimes said to be more likely to develop precocious interests (from spending more time with adults) and to feel lonely. Sometimes they compensate for the oneness by developing a stronger relationship with themselves or developing an active fantasy life that includes imaginary friends”
Sheesh Wikipedia, cut us some slack. Every kid has played “pretend” with imaginary friends. Many times I wondered who my kids were talking to only to find them alone in their rooms playing with imaginary fantasy friends. My son could easily fight imaginary ninjas in the air. (Sorry babe if you’re reading this – you are now 27 years old and that was either a tad embarrassing.. or hopefully funny)
Everyone has experienced loneliness too. Lord knows, you don’t need to be an only child for that! That’s probably why Friendsgiving, was created and Facebook and other social media platforms became so popular. This is not an only children thing!
We know how to Share… really, we do!
Yes, I know how to share my food, my clothes, my home, and often do. Sharing has never been a foreign concept to me. Even at a young age I offered to share my lunch money with a kid who forgot theirs at home. Of course I also offered to skip school and go get her lunch… but that didn’t seem to be as well received by the teacher as the lunch money part.
We’re not spoiled brats
Of course there are always those who grew up in a privileged household but in the book The Case for the Only Child, the author debunks this stereotype with scientific research.
In my family, my mother was a foreigner who never got to finish school. Clearly, we weren’t living high on the hog with the income she brought home from working in a retail store. Many a school year started without new clothes, without new school supplies and they all progressed without the various after school activities I gave my children the opportunity to explore. So either someone stole my silver spoon or this simply isn’t true.
We live in pressure cookers & under microscopes
As the only child you are the ONLY ONE to get blamed, rewarded and focused on. This could be good or bad really! The good news is, I was the only child for whom my Mom had to attend parent teacher night. The bad news was… I was the only kid for whom my mom had to attend back to school night. The microscope of your grades is all on you. There was no one older wearing Mom & Dad down for me or setting a precedent that made me look good or bad. It was all eyes on me – all the time.
As a result, I became very goal oriented … but maybe that’s just my personality and not a result of my environment? After all, my daughter is very goal oriented too and she grew up with a brother.
One summer when she was about 12 years old I asked her what she was writing. After all, school had just finished for the year and I knew it wasn’t a letter to Santa or homework. She looked up at me and exclaimed (very matter of factly) “my goals list for the summer Mommy”. Her words had a tone that seemed to say “duh, what else would I be writing!?”
The IQ advantage
Research shows only children have an intellectual advantage over other kids and even and score higher on their IQ tests. Well there isn’t anything to refute here!!! … I surely don’t mind if you buy into that stereotype at all!
We don’t like conflict
OK this one may be true… but is it only children who think this way? While many people tend to be conflict averse, it does seem to resonate with me that only children do not learn conflict management as early as other children with siblings do. We aren’t sitting in the back seat screaming at our parents that our brother took our toy!
There were never screaming matches or punching fights at our house. I only got to enjoy those as a spectator while visiting my friends’ houses. As a mother While I found myself telling my kids to “work it out or I would fix the problem and one of them won’t be happy” I never heard that as a kid.
We can talk to adults 
While other kids were playing with their siblings and friends, I was sitting at the table talking with my Mom’s friends or playing old people games with them (like canasta). Sorry about the old people reference Mom. But, as a result of socializing with older people from a young age, I grew up knowing how to speak to adults with ease. I had also been watching adult communication styles from an early age.
Only kids are bossy…. I prefer natural leaders!
OK so I admit it, there have been times that I unintentionally come across as slightly bossy. When it when it comes to projects at work or home I see the end result and path to get there quickly and often take the lead if no one is actively in charge.
This blessing is its equal curse. The blessing is that I’ll easily take the lead. The curse is that — I’ll easily take the lead. lol. The end product is always “results” and very little floundering. Guess that’s a good thing right? Maybe?! Many of my bosses have said “if you want something done give it to her” The down side was I wasn’t always patient with the folks who didn’t see the ease with which the end goal could be achieved and you are always given more work to do because “it’s so easy for you”. HOGWASH!
But again, I’m not sure this natural leadership/ bossiness is a result of my environment as a child or my genes. Both my kids are natural leaders. One in a quiet, calm, good people skills way and the other just like me… can unintentionally come across as “a little bossy”. And yet, both naturally rise to the occasion and easily find a process of social influence in which they enlist the help and support of others to accomplish the goal at hand.
Independence is ours
Only kids do get a chance to be more independent sooner than kids with siblings. This stereotype can be good or bad. Again, because there is no one paving or showing only kids the way they learn to do it all for themselves – early.
Remembering kids in college who were on their own for the first time, I was stunned over the sheer amount of things they didn’t know how to do or navigate by themselves. I used to wonder what cave they crawled out of that they hadn’t been exposed to this stuff.
The negative side of being independent early is evident on my relationships. Very often I reach for the door handle to open the door – not because I don’t like it when someone opens it for me (or because I’m a feminist) but because it’s been what I’ve done since the beginning. I don’t stop and think that others can help me with something. This frustrates my husband – who – to this day fusses and me and asks “why don’t you ask for help?” It’s not that I don’t want his help – I DO!!! – it’s that I never even thought to ask for it before diving in.
We’re highly sensitive
This one could be true. Only children tend to be very in touch with their feelings and perceptive other’s feelings. We can read people because we have been studying and learning from them rather than kids for years yet, because I never teased a sibling and was never teased by one; I can be taken aback when people tease me. It can take me a second to assess if their words are for play.
On the bright side, my sensitivity also makes me very aware & even considerate toward others’ feelings.
We Are Not Snooty Booties
I love parties & big gatherings if I know the people. If I don’t, I can find myself overly stimulated. Trying to pick up on people’s nuances, feelings and motives becomes one big loud blur of noise. This sometimes causes us to step back and reassess. We get quiet or introspective because that’s not necessarily our nature. We grew up in quiet homes. People have perceived this as snobbish or standoffish. We are neither… we are just in sensory overload because we are not used to all the different, unfamiliar communications coming to us at one time.
OK so there you have it. By now you is either thinking I have just confirmed your beliefs around only children or you see them in a new light. Hopefully it’s the latter …but which ever it is…
Enjoy this holiday weekend with your friends and family and if there is an only child among you, realize there sensory overload may be at play, but so is their high IQ J. Just give them a project/task to head up, then stand back and enjoy…oh and feel free to ask them for their recipes – because they do know how to share!
With gratitude for your readership,
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
November 24, 2016